he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
