No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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