I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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