Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
