I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
