Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize