I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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