Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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