someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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