he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
