I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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