I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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