She is in my trunk
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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