I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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