I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
