cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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