Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
