About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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