Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
