Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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