watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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