You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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