So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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