look no pants
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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