So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
