I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
