They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
