May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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