Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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