you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
