if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
as a side note pls kill me
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
