we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
