You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
