she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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