The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
