i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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