My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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