So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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