I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize