i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
