she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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