just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
