blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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