o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
