I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
