maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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