There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
