i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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