kristin has been a bad kristin
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We smell like vodka and hangover
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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