im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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