Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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