the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
