Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
