im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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