If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize