I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i believe in u and ur pee
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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