cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize