i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize