last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Drunk is not a location!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize